DM: Do you really want to hear one? Like, a crazy one? Well, when I was living in this little town in the mountains of Mexico, this little town of 300 people, I had a real estate deal. I was selling land on the side for this really shady guy named Mario. Suuuper shady guy. I never should have gotten mixed up with this dude. I had this deal with a tourist group out of Mexico City, where I got a commission of 40,000 dollars, but it turned out that Mario didn’t want to pay me.
I was also working at a golf course, and there was a land deal going through on that. I told Mario, my other boss Carlo [at the golf course] wants part of this commission if it goes through. And Mario just looks at me and says “Don’t worry about him, I’ll just have him killed. We can pay a federale to come and throw him in front of a truck on the highway at night.” I was like, “Uh, ok. How much does that cost?”
“Two or three thousand. But this guy does the job, and he does a good job.”
I thought to myself Oooh man, this guy is shady. But I still had this contract and hadn’t gotten my 40,000. So I said, “Hey Mario, I like to have everything in writing, would you mind signing this paperwork?” and he just exploded, like “I can’t believe you don’t trust me, yadayayda.” Anyways, he wouldn’t sign.
The next night I was at a wedding out in the street, a big party. At one point I look over and see Mario’s sons and this guy across the street, pointing at me, and I was like, Oh no, this is a really buff guy. They walk over and say to me, “Are you Dave?” I say Ya, and we start talking, and he offers me a beer. I was like “No, no, I’ve already had a couple.” He flipped, and kept saying, “You want me to kill you right now? Have a beer!” I was like Oh ya! It turns out, he was the federale, and he had researched me. He knew all this stuff about me – where I lived, my friends, everything – and Mario had hired him.
He kept saying to me, “You want me to kill you now?” Then he noticed the safari rack on my car, and said, “That looks like the kind of cars they have in Africa. I’ve been wanting to go to Africa so bad.” And I was like “Me too! Let’s go together.” But he kept saying I’m going to kill you and doing cocaine in front of me… It was rough. He had all these bullet holes in him, all across his chest. And I kept asking him, “Is Mario good for paying this?” and he was like, “Nah, Mario owes EVERYONE money.” He went on and on about how untrustworthy Mario is, saying “You’ll never get money.”